Nightmare Gone Weird
by SSDuelist
Summary: What happens when you go out clubbing with Anko...


AN: This takes place around the same time Shikamaru and Naruto visit Kurenai as she's coming out of the hospital.

WARNING: This contains spoilers up to Chapter 406 of the _Naruto_ manga.

WARNING: This is rated M for very strong language and implied underage alcohol usage.

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_ or anything related to Masashi Kishimoto's works except for my own original characters and storylines.

...xXx...Nightmare Gone Weird...xXx...

Feeling a pounding pain in her head, Kurenai slowly opened her eyes, expecting a burst of light. However, all she saw was a black void. Fearing for a moment that she was blind, she held her hand in front of her eyes and was pleased to see her brightly colored fingernails. She still needed to figure out where she was, and she muttered, "Wait, this isn't my bedroom...where the heck am I?" As she glanced around the void, she noticed that it was rather boring, since the only thing that could be seen was the gloomy, black nothingness. "Okay, this is really strange...I could have sworn that me and Anko came home, she crashed on my couch, and I fainted on my bed. Where is she? Better yet, where's my couch?" she added, noticing that she got up rather easily. "And why am I not pregnant anymore?" she said curiously, patting her very flat belly.

Suddenly, out of the gloom, a familiar voice said, "Kurenai? What are you doing here?" The red eyed woman spun around to find the source of the voice. A figure appeared out of the darkness, and Kurenai gasped in a combination of horror and happiness as Sarutobi Asuma walked towards her.

"A-A-Asuma? What are you doing here?!" she shrieked, raising a hand to her face in shock, "Y-Y-Y-You're...you're dead!"

Asuma looked at her oddly and then looked down at himself, patting at himself as if he was trying to prove his fiancée wrong. "Yeah, I guess I am," he finally said rather bluntly. However, his face lightened up significantly, and he added happily, "Do you want to meet some friends of mine? I met them after I died. They're great! I know you'll love them!" Before Kurenai could answer, he shimmered away, leaving her to be extremely confused.

However, she wasn't that way for long, as Asuma quickly reappeared with two other men that Kurenai recognized from descriptions that Shikamaru had given Tsunade during a post mission briefing. Both were wearing Akatsuki cloaks, chilling her to the bone. The taller one had slicked back gray hair and a large scythe on a strap behind his back, and the other one had grayish skin and a head covering that only left his eyes uncovered. The most horrifying thing, though, was that they were the two S-class nukenin that killed her fiancé, and he chatting it up with them like they were childhood friends.

The tall one glanced around at his surroundings, and his eyes finally rested on Kurenai. He raised an eyebrow, smiled, and said, "Wow, you weren't kidding when you said there was a fine one here, shitface. She sure is gorgeous. How'd she end up with an idiot like you?"

"Animal magnetism. Back off, Hidan, she's mine," Asuma replied lazily, giving Kurenai a wink and a grin. To his fiancée, it didn't sound in the least like he meant it, but she had more issues to deal with, like the S-class criminals in front of her. However, they didn't seem that threatening, except in a love/lust way. Hidan shrugged and continued to eye the lone woman present, walking over and around her, checking her out from all angles. Kurenai, forgetting all about the fact that her dead fiancé was standing before her, resisted the urge to put the creeper under her worst genjutsu.

The other Akatsuki member, Kakuzu, remained deathly silent, his only action having been pulling a wad of cash out of his sleeve and counting it with a manic expression in his eye, murmuring something unintelligible. Kurenai noticed this and asked tentatively, "Are you okay?" She immediately wondered in all that was good she talked to an Akatsuki member like he was a friend, but the thought dispersed immediately since everything else that had occurred was equally strange.

Kakuzu's eyes shot up and locked on to her, and he snapped, "You will never take Elizabeth from me! Do you hear me? NEVER!!!"

Kurenai was taken aback by this, but Hidan, right behind the object of his own affections, immediately shouted, "Shut the fuck up! No one wants to take Elizabeth from you, dumbass!" Kurenai jumped a foot in the air when he shouted so suddenly, and Hidan immediately took her hand in his own and murmured, "I'm sorry about that, baby. Didn't mean to startle you." The hand in his grasp was immediately snatched away, and Kurenai sent Asuma a glare, questioning why he wasn't being more protective. The only response she received, though, was a chuckle and shrug.

Kakuzu beadily eyed the black haired woman for a few moments before turning his attention back to his money, to which he began, incredibly, to coo, "It's alright, Elizabeth. No one will ever separate the two of us."

Kurenai, in complete and utter disbelief, tried to get a grasp of the very odd situation she was stuck in. To that end, she looked at the three people with her. Asuma was acting completely ignorant of the gray haired man hitting on his woman while smoking what appeared to be three cigarettes at once. Even for a chain smoker like him, that was a tad extreme. Hidan continued to circle around Kurenai like a lion stalking its prey, and Kurenai had to continue to restrain the urge to put him under a genjutsu. Finally, Kakuzu steadily ignored everyone and everything else except for his precious 'Elizabeth.' She shook her head in utter disbelief and said, "I'm sorry, Asuma, but this is just too strange. I've got to out of here."

"Okay, babe. See you when you die..." Asuma drawled, swinging an arm around Hidan's shoulders. The man who worshipped Jashin gave Kurenai a big grin and a thumbs up, to which she slapped her head in confusion. Asuma's expression suddenly changed from one of nonchalance to one of confusion as well as he looked at his fiancée's midsection, and he said, "Kurenai..."

"Yes?" she replied impatiently, tapping a foot on the assumed floor.

"...you're not pregnant any more..." he finished saying, though not looking extremely surprised.

Unfortunately for him, that was the last straw for the red eyed woman, and she screamed, "YES, YOU DUMBASS! I'M NOT PREGNANT! THIS IS A DREAM! A DREAM! GOT IT? LOOK AT YOU! YOUR BEST FRIENDS ARE THE GUYS WHO KILLED YOU! YOU AREN'T ASUMA, GOT IT? THIS...IS...A...DREAM!!!" Before any of them could say anything in response, she did the first thing that came to mind and performed a Shunshin, disappearing instantly.

Despite her intention to leave her dream, Kurenai was unable to return to the real world, and she reappeared in a room identical to Tsunade's office. "Why in Konoha am I here?" she sighed, looking back around the room. Besides an abnormal amount of glass bottle's on Tsunade's desk, even more than usual, it looked rather normal. Noticing a heavy weight around her midriff, she looked down and noticed the bulge. "At least I'm back to normal..." she muttered. Looking around, she located the door, and she made to walk towards it, but her eyes suddenly snapped shut, and she stopped dead in her tracks. Music immediately filled her ears, along with the sound of many people.

Against her better judgment, Kurenai opened her eyes to an interesting scene. The previously abandoned Hokage's office was now filled with flashing lights, all of her students and their friends, her colleagues, and a raucous bar where Tsunade's desk previously had been. Since the room was packed to capacity, she was immediately jostled around and pushed into the crowd. Along her way she saw a bunch of very odd sights. Orochimaru, decked out in true gangster fashion, was waltzing with Shizune, who had on a frilly dress. Ino and Kiba were facing off in what appeared to be a drinking contest, with an already inebriated Tsunade as the judge. Iruka was in the corner of the room, wrapped around a somewhat familiar female. Finally, Kabuto was proposing, yes, proposing to Princess Kazahana Koyuki, right on top of the bar.

She eventually ended up by the door, where she had intended to be all along, with a drink magically appearing in her hand. Shaking her head in complete and utter confusion, she yanked the door open and tried to leave, only to hear a familiar voice cry out, "Kurenai-sensei!" Not believing her ears, Kurenai rubbed at her eyes to make sure she was seeing what she thought she saw.

She wasn't mistaken, making her feel even more confused and, oddly enough, happy. Hinata and Naruto were standing outside the door, the former with a beaming smile on her face. If she hadn't already experienced some odd events earlier on, Kurenai wouldn't have believed the garb Naruto was wearing – an oversized Hokage's outfit, complete with the floppy hat. Kurenai noted the fact that they were clutching each others' hands, and that each had a wedding band on their respective ring fingers. Slowly looking back up to their faces, presumably with a confounded expression on her face, she stammered, "W-Wait...y-you two are...MARRIED?! WHAT THE HELL?!"

Both looked slightly shocked at Hinata's sensei's blowup, but they quickly recovered, both with Naruto's fox-like grin on their faces, and Hinata replied, "We've been married for ten years, Kurenai-sensei. Don't be silly."

"B-B-B-B-B-But..." Kurenai stuttered, "You're only 15! Y-Y-You can't be m-m-m-married!"

Naruto began to slightly frown, but Hinata kept her cheerful disposition and replied, "Did you hit your head, Kurenai-sensei? Of course we can. This is the shinobi world. Anything can happen!" Hinata's statement, combined with her abnormally cheerful attitude, sent Kurenai into a mental tailspin, and she began muttering random phrases under her breath. This continued until Hinata saw someone behind her sensei and exclaimed, "Iruka-sensei! Kakashina-sensei! Come over and say hi to Kurenai-sensei!"

Kurenai, dead exhausted by all of the weird sights she had seen so far, slowly turned around to greet the two, not even noticing Hinata's apparent slip of the tongue. However, when she raised her eyes to look at them, the fantasy began anew. Iruka looked the same, right down to the scar across the bridge of his nose, but Kakashi...well, Kakashina was a female. Everything about him was the same, except that his mask was gone, revealing a very feminine face, and his chest was nearly bursting out of the flak jacket.

Before she could even utter "Hello," Kurenai immediately fainted.

A few seconds later, she heard some voices shouting her name, and she groggily opened her eyes, expecting to see some other wacko sight. However, she was pleasantly greeted by a very male Kakashi, his arm around a still very drunk Anko. Kurenai instinctively flinched, but luckily Kakashi was back to normal, so there was no need to be defensive. "I'm sorry to wake you," he said, looking very apologetic, "but I need to take her home before she causes any more trouble. I'll see you around, Kurenai." Before she even had time to react, Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke, taking Anko with him.

Exhausted, Kurenai fell backwards back onto her bed, muttering, "I'm never going out with Anko, ever again," before falling back asleep.

...xXx...

AN: My first attempt at a crack one shot. Hopefully you all will enjoy it.


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